so....its not secret that i am not "young" anymore. in fact my 20s will be long gone and in my past within 6 months. I am not going to lie...I am having a hard time with this "milestone". I keep trying to put a positive spin on it, however, that doesnt seem to be working well. One of my friends from Sundance, who turned the big 30 like 5 years ago or something, had such a great attitude when she did. i remember he CELEBRATING being out of her 20s finally. she said that she was so glad to not have to deal with being in her 20s and that at 30, she didnt HAVE to care what people thought of her anymore. i TRY so hard to maintain that though process....yeah. not working.
Along the same lines....babies are on the brain. I cant quite get it out of my head that i am "ready for kids". and this whole biological clock thing...yeah, its just like anything else. you IMAGINE it one way, and find out that it is actually an entirely different thing. like i would say that the ol'biological clock started ticking for me like 6 months ago or so, but i think that was just a "desire" or an "awww, wouldnt it be cute to have a child" type feeling. Cut to now...at the BRINK of the Big 30, and yeah, the biological clock is a REAL thing. actually, i am finding it is a FEAR. I am now starting to FREAK out that i am having kids so "late" in life (keep in mind, please, that i am Mormon, thus, I am considered VERY old to just be STARTING to THINK about children. i mean, my sister in law turned all of 28 yesterday, and already had FOUR kids. if that tells ya anything). Its like every minute is a race to beat the clock. I guess, I have decided way too late, that I actually would like to be DONE having the two children that I want by the time i am 32. uhhh....yeah, at this point, its just not going to happen, unless I have them one after another, and i dont want to do that. so maybe just one? again, i dont want to do that.
So it does sound like ICE and I are "ready" to have kids...uhg, no. *I* may be...but we all have to remember that my husband is ONLY 27 (28 in August), and still isnt "quite there" yet. Which, adds a wrench into my Clock's Fears. I mean...WHEN will he be ready ya know? Doesnt he know that i am getting OLD??? I dont want to have kids when i am 35!!!! Those are my thoughts...however, the very small part of my brain that actually has some sanity tells me that I can not fault him for not being quite "ready" for something like this. AND, that same sane part of my brain tells me that this is something that i CANNOT push him into. I WONT do that to him....so, i have to learn to deal with balancing patience and fear. Not an easy task...
Along the same lines....babies are on the brain. I cant quite get it out of my head that i am "ready for kids". and this whole biological clock thing...yeah, its just like anything else. you IMAGINE it one way, and find out that it is actually an entirely different thing. like i would say that the ol'biological clock started ticking for me like 6 months ago or so, but i think that was just a "desire" or an "awww, wouldnt it be cute to have a child" type feeling. Cut to now...at the BRINK of the Big 30, and yeah, the biological clock is a REAL thing. actually, i am finding it is a FEAR. I am now starting to FREAK out that i am having kids so "late" in life (keep in mind, please, that i am Mormon, thus, I am considered VERY old to just be STARTING to THINK about children. i mean, my sister in law turned all of 28 yesterday, and already had FOUR kids. if that tells ya anything). Its like every minute is a race to beat the clock. I guess, I have decided way too late, that I actually would like to be DONE having the two children that I want by the time i am 32. uhhh....yeah, at this point, its just not going to happen, unless I have them one after another, and i dont want to do that. so maybe just one? again, i dont want to do that.
So it does sound like ICE and I are "ready" to have kids...uhg, no. *I* may be...but we all have to remember that my husband is ONLY 27 (28 in August), and still isnt "quite there" yet. Which, adds a wrench into my Clock's Fears. I mean...WHEN will he be ready ya know? Doesnt he know that i am getting OLD??? I dont want to have kids when i am 35!!!! Those are my thoughts...however, the very small part of my brain that actually has some sanity tells me that I can not fault him for not being quite "ready" for something like this. AND, that same sane part of my brain tells me that this is something that i CANNOT push him into. I WONT do that to him....so, i have to learn to deal with balancing patience and fear. Not an easy task...
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