so...havent blogged in a long time. pretty much because either i dont feel i have anything interesting to say, or IF i am in a "blog" mood i feel i would just come across as an awful human being with the thoughts and feelings that i would put down.
so... 6 months ago, i was on my way to Kauai in "just-married" bliss. they always say that the first year of marriage is the hardest....and i think back on the half of year that i have been married, and ask myself "has it been hard?". the answer that comes to mind is "yes...but in a different way than i had ever imagined". its much like everything in life that you imagine yourself doing...when you actually get to do it...its a lot different than what you had imagined.
thinking back though, and trying to figure out WHY this has been hard...and when it started being hard is somewhat difficult to pinpoint. there are things going on now, and situations we are in now, and feelings that i am feeling now, that i never thought in a million years i would have to feel....live...accept. i am having a lot of trouble with it all.
dont get me wrong, i LOVE being married. i really do, and i LOVE being married to Jonathon. I love it most when it is just us, and we arent having to deal with other people in our business, in "our" house, in our lives. i am sorry to have to say that, but i wouldnt be honest if i didnt...and i really dont think that i have kept it a secret the way i feel. when we are "just us" trying to figure things out, trying to start this marriage, trying to figure out how WE are going to do things....we are SO great! so great! and we work together well. WE FIGURE IT OUT! and THAT is what a marriage is supposed to be. when it IS that, its wonderful.
there are many times these days when i just really dont feel like we are married, or that i am a wife...or to be quite honest, that i have much worth at all. "as long as it all gets done, it doesnt matter who does it". "as long as my schedule isnt interupted or my stuff isnt messed with...it doesnt matter. what are ya gonna do?".
i miss my family, i miss my good friends (the very few that i actually had...yes i say that in past tense...because for the most part, i dont think anyone really considers me a good friend.). i miss being able to be COMFORTABLE in my own skin. i miss being comfortable and feeling "safe" in my own "home".
i just miss me....when i was good. when i FELT good...when i was optomistic...when i actually felt like smiling. i know that sounds pathetic, and sad, and "rachael get over it"...but whatever, its not like it means much anyway, cause you know what? in a few mintues, i get to go downstairs and put on a happy face and be agreeable and "accept".
so... 6 months ago, i was on my way to Kauai in "just-married" bliss. they always say that the first year of marriage is the hardest....and i think back on the half of year that i have been married, and ask myself "has it been hard?". the answer that comes to mind is "yes...but in a different way than i had ever imagined". its much like everything in life that you imagine yourself doing...when you actually get to do it...its a lot different than what you had imagined.
thinking back though, and trying to figure out WHY this has been hard...and when it started being hard is somewhat difficult to pinpoint. there are things going on now, and situations we are in now, and feelings that i am feeling now, that i never thought in a million years i would have to feel....live...accept. i am having a lot of trouble with it all.
dont get me wrong, i LOVE being married. i really do, and i LOVE being married to Jonathon. I love it most when it is just us, and we arent having to deal with other people in our business, in "our" house, in our lives. i am sorry to have to say that, but i wouldnt be honest if i didnt...and i really dont think that i have kept it a secret the way i feel. when we are "just us" trying to figure things out, trying to start this marriage, trying to figure out how WE are going to do things....we are SO great! so great! and we work together well. WE FIGURE IT OUT! and THAT is what a marriage is supposed to be. when it IS that, its wonderful.
there are many times these days when i just really dont feel like we are married, or that i am a wife...or to be quite honest, that i have much worth at all. "as long as it all gets done, it doesnt matter who does it". "as long as my schedule isnt interupted or my stuff isnt messed with...it doesnt matter. what are ya gonna do?".
i miss my family, i miss my good friends (the very few that i actually had...yes i say that in past tense...because for the most part, i dont think anyone really considers me a good friend.). i miss being able to be COMFORTABLE in my own skin. i miss being comfortable and feeling "safe" in my own "home".
i just miss me....when i was good. when i FELT good...when i was optomistic...when i actually felt like smiling. i know that sounds pathetic, and sad, and "rachael get over it"...but whatever, its not like it means much anyway, cause you know what? in a few mintues, i get to go downstairs and put on a happy face and be agreeable and "accept".
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