Loneliness. I have always been told that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I have always comprehended this, but always seem to forget that feeling when I am content. I feel so lonely lately. Just sad.

I hate feeling sad. I am not in the mood to laugh or to joke around. I am really not in the mood to do much, except something different than what I am doing at that time. Of course, in my neurosis....I have no idea what that 'something different' is. uhg.

I feel so out of the loop. With everyone. With Val, with ICE. ICE has this whole life that he leads, as I sit on the couch. He has all these people that he talks to, that he cares about, that care about him, and care what he is doing. I sit. I feel alot of times that it is "secret". Kind of "woohoo, rach isnt here...rach isnt looking". Guess I shouldnt be mad at him, as he hasnt done anything really. I feel, alot of times left out...but then again, maybe I have probably made it clear that I dont want anything to do with it. So my feelings really cant be blamed on anyone...not that they ever can be.

Valerie has this wedding to plan. Which, I am SO happy for her! I really hope that she is happy...but to be quite honest, she hasnt even given me the time of day to TELL her that, or to let her know that I am happy for her. Atleast thats what it seems. I realize that she is probably very busy with her life, however that never stopped her from atleast touching base before. I cant help but take it somewhat personally, although...I really HOPE its not her intention.

Maybe thats what I am sad about? That everyone else seems to have things going on, things to look forward to...and I dont. At all. I really dont have passion for anything (hobbywise) anymore. It used to me music and DMB, but its not that anymore. I, for some reason, just dont have the patience for it. Not sure if its the people involved, or just the scene and music itself (though I still love the music). Even going to Sundance next week isnt exciting me. Not in the least bit.

And for ONCE...can I be allowed to get a fucking FULL hour of lunch? I am so tired of saying "i am at lunch" yet still expected to answer the fucking phone, answering everyone's questions, mail everyones fucking mail, and make everyone's decisions. Just ONCE, I would like to take the FULL hour of lunch, without interuption from work!

uhg. ugh. ugh. ugh. life sucks today.

I dont know...