i have to admit, i have alot of mixed feelings about going into this weekend. i am not SUPER excited about it, though i am excited about going to NYC. i love that city. i think that the negative emotions are most likely self induced (arent they all?)...but i dont know.
on one hand, i dont really want to hang out with alot of dmb people, at the same time though...i want to be included and i dont want to dictate what ice does. i get the feeling that he would rather hang out with all of our dmb friends (regardless of who it is), but doesnt because he knows that i have issues with a certain someone. i feel bad about this. i never wanted it to come to this. i dont want him to have to feel as if he has to choose...me or the freaks.
also, and again, this may be just MY freaking out and being dumb...i get the feeling that most of the freaks (the "new" freaks) dont really like me. rightfully so i suppose...based on how i acted during the summer. i feel bad about this. it makes me angry and sad that i actually give a thought and CARE what these people think of me. like becker...i like the dude, i do. he is fun to hang out with and we have had some good chats, at the same time...last weekend he was a jerk toward me. i didnt DO anything to him at all, and as i recall he expressed alot of dislikes as i did at the gorge. i dont know, that bothers me that he would judge me like that. what goes around comes around i guess huh?
i dont know...i am just nervous. mostly about ice. i want him to have a good time...i want him to hang out with and do what he wants to do, yet i know he wont because he fears my anger. i have "trained" him to be that way...that sounds bad and i dont mean it llike that. in a relationship we condition ourselves to behave a certain way in reaction to our partners emotions and behavior. thats how ice and i are. i get quiet when he frustrated and stressed. i get upset when he pays "too much attention" to his computer or chatting (which, that is SO stupid....i mean, if thats our only problem than we are doing very well!). he reacts to me being angry or if he THINKS i am angry. i have been thinking about this alot the last few days, and i feel so bad. he is SUCH an amazing person and he loves me so much (though...if i were him, i would have gotten rid of me a LONG time ago), he only deserves the best. i fear alot of times that i dont provide that for him...or that i am not good enough for him.
maybe thats what i am feeling today. fear that jon deserves much better than me, and fear that he will some day realize that. i cant really talk to him about this, as it appears as though i am even MORE insecure than he already knows i am. *sigh* i hate this feeling. and its NOT a good feeling to be having when going into a weekend like we are going into. it has only proved to cause trouble.
*sigh*
on one hand, i dont really want to hang out with alot of dmb people, at the same time though...i want to be included and i dont want to dictate what ice does. i get the feeling that he would rather hang out with all of our dmb friends (regardless of who it is), but doesnt because he knows that i have issues with a certain someone. i feel bad about this. i never wanted it to come to this. i dont want him to have to feel as if he has to choose...me or the freaks.
also, and again, this may be just MY freaking out and being dumb...i get the feeling that most of the freaks (the "new" freaks) dont really like me. rightfully so i suppose...based on how i acted during the summer. i feel bad about this. it makes me angry and sad that i actually give a thought and CARE what these people think of me. like becker...i like the dude, i do. he is fun to hang out with and we have had some good chats, at the same time...last weekend he was a jerk toward me. i didnt DO anything to him at all, and as i recall he expressed alot of dislikes as i did at the gorge. i dont know, that bothers me that he would judge me like that. what goes around comes around i guess huh?
i dont know...i am just nervous. mostly about ice. i want him to have a good time...i want him to hang out with and do what he wants to do, yet i know he wont because he fears my anger. i have "trained" him to be that way...that sounds bad and i dont mean it llike that. in a relationship we condition ourselves to behave a certain way in reaction to our partners emotions and behavior. thats how ice and i are. i get quiet when he frustrated and stressed. i get upset when he pays "too much attention" to his computer or chatting (which, that is SO stupid....i mean, if thats our only problem than we are doing very well!). he reacts to me being angry or if he THINKS i am angry. i have been thinking about this alot the last few days, and i feel so bad. he is SUCH an amazing person and he loves me so much (though...if i were him, i would have gotten rid of me a LONG time ago), he only deserves the best. i fear alot of times that i dont provide that for him...or that i am not good enough for him.
maybe thats what i am feeling today. fear that jon deserves much better than me, and fear that he will some day realize that. i cant really talk to him about this, as it appears as though i am even MORE insecure than he already knows i am. *sigh* i hate this feeling. and its NOT a good feeling to be having when going into a weekend like we are going into. it has only proved to cause trouble.
*sigh*
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