I SHOULD be stuffing envelopes (as that IS my job, ya know? its what i went to college for...its what i WANT to do with my life), but...well...its an "off" day, and my boss isnt actually HERE at 8am like she "normally" is. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to Blog. I mean...what's to lose? I have already been "written up" this week, and blamed for missing money...so ya know, I figure I am at the brink of getting fired anyways.
So...we went to visit Jon's grandma in the hospital last night. They had to put her back in because she started throwing up. They had a tube up her nose, and were draining the infection in her stomach. She was in good spirits though (atleast thats how she came across to us). Anyway...so she brought up Jon moving in with me, which SHOULD be happening (and finished) tonight because we dont have ANY time to do it next week (or before the 30th)...now, she SAYS she is "okay with it, it doesnt bother her". but in the same breath she says "for your parent's sake, how about trying abstinence" (okay, FIRST off.....jon and I have NEVER gone that route. i mean, for the love of pete, we had sex the second time we met, so that is just not going to happen. second of all, it has already happened.).
My question is this: when do I get to STOP making decisions and living my life "for my parent's sake" and start being able to make MY own choices without the scrutiny and judgement of "what my parents think or believe."? Its like this alcohol at the wedding deal. I DONT CARE IF THERE IS OR ISNT ANY! I mean its my wedding day, I dont THINK I want to get shitcanned and feel gross anyway. Now, IF Jon's dad is willing to pay for it...fine. ALOT of our friends...thats what they do. I want my wedding to be fun for EVERYONE! I want it to be inviting to EVERYONE. I am so TIRED of having to say "no, no alcohol...your parents dont want it. its against thier religion." okay...so dont drink. noone is FORCING them to partake in a glass of champagne! what about those people that celebrate WITH alcohol? what about their "beliefs"? To me, not having alcohol there..."because its against my parents religion" is a control tactic. trying to control people from drinking. who cares? i mean, if the guy down the friggin' street has 5 drinks a night...WHO CARES. not my problem...not my deal...not my issue! and its not anyone else's either, except HIS!
Back to this moving in thing. now, *I*, personally, am scared of doing this. I have mentioned this before...I feel like I have gone back on my initial word to Jonathon...I told him when we were planning on moving me to Kentucky that I wasnt going to live with him until we were married. Well...the truth of the matter is, is that I basically HAVE been living with him for the last year. I have spent ONE night at my place (and he was with me), and that was like 2 months ago. Basically, I have been paying $600 for a storage unit. Now, it is nice to have a place to go to...to get away, or to do my own thing (which is one reason why I am scared...I was NEVER good with living with someone...not that I have ever lived with a boyfriend/fiance/husband before). At the same time, it just seems like the logical thing to do. I mean...IF he were to go stay with his mother, or his grandmother, or a friend, he would be spending the night (or i would) all the time anyway.
Jon's grandma said that when my mother comes to visit...than he needed to pack up for the duration of her stay and either stay with her or his mother. Now...how honest is that? Am I not supposed to tell my parents...hide the fact that I am living with him? Thats sooo dishonest. She kept saying..."it will hurt your mother....she will worry". Okay? If thats not a burden to carry, then I dont know what is.
SO that gets back to my initial question...when am i old enough to be able to make my own decisions and have the people that are closest to me...just accept me. who CARES if i am living with my boyfriend. who CARES if i drink occasionally. who CARES if I wear sleeveless shirts? I mean, seriously...in the grand scheme of things...does it all really matter? at the "end" of it all...on my judgement day (if that really exists)...do I really think that God is going to say "rachael bree, you are a horrible person because you wore a sleeveless shirt" or "rachael bree, you are going to hell because you had sex before you were married"? whatever.
anyway...I, of course (in typical rachael fashion) an worried about all of this. and I have to say, I resent that *I* am the only one that has to deal with it. *I* am the one that has to deal with the judgement of everyone (my parents where living together is concerned, and friends where the "no alcohol" is concerned). i shouldnt resent it...and I dont know exactly WHOM I resent because of it all, I just know that I feel resentment.
probably putting too much thought into it, per normal. but again...why CANT i think about it?
So...we went to visit Jon's grandma in the hospital last night. They had to put her back in because she started throwing up. They had a tube up her nose, and were draining the infection in her stomach. She was in good spirits though (atleast thats how she came across to us). Anyway...so she brought up Jon moving in with me, which SHOULD be happening (and finished) tonight because we dont have ANY time to do it next week (or before the 30th)...now, she SAYS she is "okay with it, it doesnt bother her". but in the same breath she says "for your parent's sake, how about trying abstinence" (okay, FIRST off.....jon and I have NEVER gone that route. i mean, for the love of pete, we had sex the second time we met, so that is just not going to happen. second of all, it has already happened.).
My question is this: when do I get to STOP making decisions and living my life "for my parent's sake" and start being able to make MY own choices without the scrutiny and judgement of "what my parents think or believe."? Its like this alcohol at the wedding deal. I DONT CARE IF THERE IS OR ISNT ANY! I mean its my wedding day, I dont THINK I want to get shitcanned and feel gross anyway. Now, IF Jon's dad is willing to pay for it...fine. ALOT of our friends...thats what they do. I want my wedding to be fun for EVERYONE! I want it to be inviting to EVERYONE. I am so TIRED of having to say "no, no alcohol...your parents dont want it. its against thier religion." okay...so dont drink. noone is FORCING them to partake in a glass of champagne! what about those people that celebrate WITH alcohol? what about their "beliefs"? To me, not having alcohol there..."because its against my parents religion" is a control tactic. trying to control people from drinking. who cares? i mean, if the guy down the friggin' street has 5 drinks a night...WHO CARES. not my problem...not my deal...not my issue! and its not anyone else's either, except HIS!
Back to this moving in thing. now, *I*, personally, am scared of doing this. I have mentioned this before...I feel like I have gone back on my initial word to Jonathon...I told him when we were planning on moving me to Kentucky that I wasnt going to live with him until we were married. Well...the truth of the matter is, is that I basically HAVE been living with him for the last year. I have spent ONE night at my place (and he was with me), and that was like 2 months ago. Basically, I have been paying $600 for a storage unit. Now, it is nice to have a place to go to...to get away, or to do my own thing (which is one reason why I am scared...I was NEVER good with living with someone...not that I have ever lived with a boyfriend/fiance/husband before). At the same time, it just seems like the logical thing to do. I mean...IF he were to go stay with his mother, or his grandmother, or a friend, he would be spending the night (or i would) all the time anyway.
Jon's grandma said that when my mother comes to visit...than he needed to pack up for the duration of her stay and either stay with her or his mother. Now...how honest is that? Am I not supposed to tell my parents...hide the fact that I am living with him? Thats sooo dishonest. She kept saying..."it will hurt your mother....she will worry". Okay? If thats not a burden to carry, then I dont know what is.
SO that gets back to my initial question...when am i old enough to be able to make my own decisions and have the people that are closest to me...just accept me. who CARES if i am living with my boyfriend. who CARES if i drink occasionally. who CARES if I wear sleeveless shirts? I mean, seriously...in the grand scheme of things...does it all really matter? at the "end" of it all...on my judgement day (if that really exists)...do I really think that God is going to say "rachael bree, you are a horrible person because you wore a sleeveless shirt" or "rachael bree, you are going to hell because you had sex before you were married"? whatever.
anyway...I, of course (in typical rachael fashion) an worried about all of this. and I have to say, I resent that *I* am the only one that has to deal with it. *I* am the one that has to deal with the judgement of everyone (my parents where living together is concerned, and friends where the "no alcohol" is concerned). i shouldnt resent it...and I dont know exactly WHOM I resent because of it all, I just know that I feel resentment.
probably putting too much thought into it, per normal. but again...why CANT i think about it?
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