with all this crap going on on the lists, and mention of "who's" fault it is, and "who" broke the list...i have started to wonder. some of this may be my own gradiosity coming through, and by no means do i believe that i single handedly gave way to the freak list becoming what it is today, i dont have the power to do that. i do think though, that i have had a hand in it...and might have fueled the fire (a bit) into the dimise of the freaks.
i am trying to think back to when all of this back-stabbing and bad-talking started. i can only remember that in the late spring/early summer there was talk of the freaks getting too big and too many people were on it. i remember talking about how the list just wasnt the same, yet...it wasnt BAD (yet). for me, the demise came when a certain someone joined...or was invited. for those of you that actually read this (all 2 of you...and no that does not include ICE. cause he doesnt read it), you know who i am referring to. i havent been secret about my feelings where she is concerned.
so i sit, and wonder...that bonaroo weekend left a really bad taste in my mouth. i have alot of resentment for that weekend, and for the people involved in that weekend (except my sanity player...amanda of course). i KNEW from the moment that saw this girl that i would not like her company. i dont know what it was, i dont know what she did...if anything. but i KNEW from the moment that i saw her, i didnt want her in my life. to be honest...(and IF i were real honest and not such a coward), i would admit that i probably was just threatened by her because she is cute, went to Purdue, had a lot in common with my boyfriend...and i didnt (and still dont) feel as i remotely compared to her and what she had to offer. i KNEW ice would take to her. i KNEW ice and woods would love her. getting REAL honest....she represented "competition". it is SO hard to type that, and actually say that i admit that. of course i have to throw in..."its not like i ALWAYS want to or need to be the center of attention...i normally dont even like being the center of attention, its an uncomfortable place for me to be in". again, it boils down to her being attractive and knowing how guys work....they ALL were attracted to her. the fact that she had those other things in common, the things that they are so proud of, and the things that alot of their personality stems from, only fuels my insecurities that i dont have those things and experiences.
regardless....the demise of the list. back to that. after that bonaroo weekend...feeling the same way, i remember going into the west palm shows...KNOWING that she wasnt going to be there, and having SUCH a great time. forgetting for a few days that she was a perceived threat to me and my world. cut to a week later at the nashville show, knowing that she would be there...knowing that amanda wouldnt (and at the time she was the only one that i could really vent to about my feelings, besides ICE, yet knowing that he talked to her on IM alot, and dug the hell out of her)...i found solace in talking about her to lil' megs, alethea, sarah, and kelly. at the time..for some reason...they all seemed trustworthy. they were ALL (those that had had spent time with this girl) joining in, agreeing...telling me things i didnt know (bad things that only fueled my fire and jealousy). yes BOTH alethea and sarah joined and did say some fairly nasty things about this girl. i trusted them, so i spilled my insecurities.
i cant remember exactly what shows were after that...the next shows that i remember were deer creek. again, knowing that she would be there...and again feeling very threatened that she would cause upheaval in my world, i found comfort in discussing it all with lisa and megs. thinking back, we were not quiet about "our" dislike...it was very known (atleast it should have been apparent by my behavior). yet, i began to see a few people that i had "vented" to about her start to become very good friends with her. so good of friends, in fact, that i would bet my life that they have told her everything that they heard me say (of course leaving out their participation in it all).
cut to alpine. i was not in the mood for those shows, i was tired, and the last thing that i wanted to deal with was her. of course she was there, right off the bat. and of course, i treated her nicely to her face...yet almost immediately would turn to megan and talk shit. there was SO much shit talking done that weekend its incredible. the feeling of that weekend was just "ugh" (thats the only way i know how to describe it). shit talking not just about this girl, but shit talking about other girls (not on my end), and i am positive there was shit talking about me (deservedly). that weekend was really the first time in my life (okay, since i have become an adult and graduated out of jr. high) that i have intentionally treated someone badly in reaction to MY feelings. i am ashamed of how i treated her alpine weekend, and how i treated her at deer creek. if noone else noticed my behavior towards her, i know she did. she had to.
now, i am not saying that i want her to be anywhere near me...near my life...near ICE (though i cant REALLY control what he does...i like to think i can where she is concerned, but...i cant and that is the bottom line.)...near freaks. i still would not think twice if given the option of not having her in MY life's existence (thats not saying that i want her dead...no, she probably DOES have alot to offer those who choose to have her in their life. thats not something for ME to dictate, except for MY life), BUT like i said, she is a human being. no human being deserves to be treated badly, and i guess thats why i feel badly.
i have always somewhat prided myself in being a fairly nice person, and moreso, a fairly accepting person. if there is anything in this world that i hate its judgemental and discriminatory people, mostly because i dont feel that anyone else has the "authority" to judge someone else. however, thats exactly what i have done here. looking back, i cant ever say that i am proud of the way i treated her. i am ashamed if it actually. in my "right" mind, i would just make sure to keep a distance from her and keep my opinion to myself (although bonaroo weekend, i did NOT treat her badly...and i still feel very valid in everything that i saw with her and ice and still feel very valid that i had a reason to be suspicious, especially when he got her phone number KNOWING how much i was concerned about it.).
let me just throw in here...that my opinon of her has marit. i DO have my reasons aside from her being a cute girl and having more in common with my boyfriend than i. they are MY reasons...things she has said or done directly to me. of course, i add in the inconsiderate behavior that she had at jens, or things that i have hear her say. i have observed her...and didnt change my mind from what i initially thought and felt.
all this leads to me being somewhat "pitted" against her...thus "sides" being created on freaks (not that i caused it ALL, but i did fuel it). again, by no means do i think that i have or had the power to cause all this crap. no way. i do take SOME responsibility and feel i had a part..however big it is/wasit was still a part. right now there are "sides"...one side talking about the other side and vice versa. and on "our" side...i still participate in shit talking about this girl. even FEELING bad the way i do. i have no doubt that the "other" side does some (or has done some) shit talking about me. again, i deserve it...and i can take it.
its all made me realize that i am pretty much over the whole "dmb" scene. i really dont care to be involved in it on a grand scale. none of this drama happens with many of my "non-dmb" friends. i have made some very valuable friends through freaks and dmb. those that i talk to every day, every week, every month....or just see at the occasional show. i think i know who those people are that i WANT to have in my life, and that i WANT to know about me. everyone else, i could really care less.
i have to close here, with saying that the fact that i have spent as much time as i have in thinking and worrying about this girl is VERY PATHETIC! i have lost many nights sleep because of it. i have given her way too much power....and allowed her to dictate my experiences with other people. this, i only have myself to blame. however, i cant help the way i feel...and i STILL feel the same way i did when i first saw her. i honestly dont think that will change.
i am trying to think back to when all of this back-stabbing and bad-talking started. i can only remember that in the late spring/early summer there was talk of the freaks getting too big and too many people were on it. i remember talking about how the list just wasnt the same, yet...it wasnt BAD (yet). for me, the demise came when a certain someone joined...or was invited. for those of you that actually read this (all 2 of you...and no that does not include ICE. cause he doesnt read it), you know who i am referring to. i havent been secret about my feelings where she is concerned.
so i sit, and wonder...that bonaroo weekend left a really bad taste in my mouth. i have alot of resentment for that weekend, and for the people involved in that weekend (except my sanity player...amanda of course). i KNEW from the moment that saw this girl that i would not like her company. i dont know what it was, i dont know what she did...if anything. but i KNEW from the moment that i saw her, i didnt want her in my life. to be honest...(and IF i were real honest and not such a coward), i would admit that i probably was just threatened by her because she is cute, went to Purdue, had a lot in common with my boyfriend...and i didnt (and still dont) feel as i remotely compared to her and what she had to offer. i KNEW ice would take to her. i KNEW ice and woods would love her. getting REAL honest....she represented "competition". it is SO hard to type that, and actually say that i admit that. of course i have to throw in..."its not like i ALWAYS want to or need to be the center of attention...i normally dont even like being the center of attention, its an uncomfortable place for me to be in". again, it boils down to her being attractive and knowing how guys work....they ALL were attracted to her. the fact that she had those other things in common, the things that they are so proud of, and the things that alot of their personality stems from, only fuels my insecurities that i dont have those things and experiences.
regardless....the demise of the list. back to that. after that bonaroo weekend...feeling the same way, i remember going into the west palm shows...KNOWING that she wasnt going to be there, and having SUCH a great time. forgetting for a few days that she was a perceived threat to me and my world. cut to a week later at the nashville show, knowing that she would be there...knowing that amanda wouldnt (and at the time she was the only one that i could really vent to about my feelings, besides ICE, yet knowing that he talked to her on IM alot, and dug the hell out of her)...i found solace in talking about her to lil' megs, alethea, sarah, and kelly. at the time..for some reason...they all seemed trustworthy. they were ALL (those that had had spent time with this girl) joining in, agreeing...telling me things i didnt know (bad things that only fueled my fire and jealousy). yes BOTH alethea and sarah joined and did say some fairly nasty things about this girl. i trusted them, so i spilled my insecurities.
i cant remember exactly what shows were after that...the next shows that i remember were deer creek. again, knowing that she would be there...and again feeling very threatened that she would cause upheaval in my world, i found comfort in discussing it all with lisa and megs. thinking back, we were not quiet about "our" dislike...it was very known (atleast it should have been apparent by my behavior). yet, i began to see a few people that i had "vented" to about her start to become very good friends with her. so good of friends, in fact, that i would bet my life that they have told her everything that they heard me say (of course leaving out their participation in it all).
cut to alpine. i was not in the mood for those shows, i was tired, and the last thing that i wanted to deal with was her. of course she was there, right off the bat. and of course, i treated her nicely to her face...yet almost immediately would turn to megan and talk shit. there was SO much shit talking done that weekend its incredible. the feeling of that weekend was just "ugh" (thats the only way i know how to describe it). shit talking not just about this girl, but shit talking about other girls (not on my end), and i am positive there was shit talking about me (deservedly). that weekend was really the first time in my life (okay, since i have become an adult and graduated out of jr. high) that i have intentionally treated someone badly in reaction to MY feelings. i am ashamed of how i treated her alpine weekend, and how i treated her at deer creek. if noone else noticed my behavior towards her, i know she did. she had to.
now, i am not saying that i want her to be anywhere near me...near my life...near ICE (though i cant REALLY control what he does...i like to think i can where she is concerned, but...i cant and that is the bottom line.)...near freaks. i still would not think twice if given the option of not having her in MY life's existence (thats not saying that i want her dead...no, she probably DOES have alot to offer those who choose to have her in their life. thats not something for ME to dictate, except for MY life), BUT like i said, she is a human being. no human being deserves to be treated badly, and i guess thats why i feel badly.
i have always somewhat prided myself in being a fairly nice person, and moreso, a fairly accepting person. if there is anything in this world that i hate its judgemental and discriminatory people, mostly because i dont feel that anyone else has the "authority" to judge someone else. however, thats exactly what i have done here. looking back, i cant ever say that i am proud of the way i treated her. i am ashamed if it actually. in my "right" mind, i would just make sure to keep a distance from her and keep my opinion to myself (although bonaroo weekend, i did NOT treat her badly...and i still feel very valid in everything that i saw with her and ice and still feel very valid that i had a reason to be suspicious, especially when he got her phone number KNOWING how much i was concerned about it.).
let me just throw in here...that my opinon of her has marit. i DO have my reasons aside from her being a cute girl and having more in common with my boyfriend than i. they are MY reasons...things she has said or done directly to me. of course, i add in the inconsiderate behavior that she had at jens, or things that i have hear her say. i have observed her...and didnt change my mind from what i initially thought and felt.
all this leads to me being somewhat "pitted" against her...thus "sides" being created on freaks (not that i caused it ALL, but i did fuel it). again, by no means do i think that i have or had the power to cause all this crap. no way. i do take SOME responsibility and feel i had a part..however big it is/wasit was still a part. right now there are "sides"...one side talking about the other side and vice versa. and on "our" side...i still participate in shit talking about this girl. even FEELING bad the way i do. i have no doubt that the "other" side does some (or has done some) shit talking about me. again, i deserve it...and i can take it.
its all made me realize that i am pretty much over the whole "dmb" scene. i really dont care to be involved in it on a grand scale. none of this drama happens with many of my "non-dmb" friends. i have made some very valuable friends through freaks and dmb. those that i talk to every day, every week, every month....or just see at the occasional show. i think i know who those people are that i WANT to have in my life, and that i WANT to know about me. everyone else, i could really care less.
i have to close here, with saying that the fact that i have spent as much time as i have in thinking and worrying about this girl is VERY PATHETIC! i have lost many nights sleep because of it. i have given her way too much power....and allowed her to dictate my experiences with other people. this, i only have myself to blame. however, i cant help the way i feel...and i STILL feel the same way i did when i first saw her. i honestly dont think that will change.
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