uhg I feel sick.  (I MUST feel sick, or be angry, or frustrated to be blogging) what to say? What to update?  well, my parents came last weekend....had a wonderful time!  I don't know if it is because we rarely see them, or because I have grown up, or because I am getting old and can relate to them more....but we all just get along so wonderfully.  Zane even came...and that was SO great to see him.  I miss him so much.  Its still real hard to believe that he is almost 18, but it was easy to see that he has grown up quite nicely, if I do say so myself.  It was sad to see them all go.  Not sure when I am going to see them again....although, I am really wanting to go to Arizona in mid-August to see the new little tyke when he arrives (soon, hopefully).  I have pretty much accepted that it is going to be a very short trip...leave Friday night, come home Sunday night, but it means that much to me to see my family.

Speaking of families.  While my parents were here...I realized that some of the things that Beth and Fred and Jeff do that annoy me, are normal....family things.  So while they (my family) were here, I was hoping to be able to accept everyone and their brother living with us a little better.  Uh yeah, thats a big, HUGE negative.  In fact...my patience, my resentment, my anger, and my frustration is just about at a boiling point whenever I am here with them (and a rapid simmer when I am not here with them).  I LOVE them all dearly....but I am finding it really hard to like them right now.

I am sure I havent updated the blog people (did you see I was a link on adventuresinreality.com???:)), but Beth came home from AZ after 4th of July, and apparently her "last day of work is looking like MAYBE November 1".  yeah...remember like in mid-June it was "I wont be here past September...I promise"  and "I am almost outta here....I just have to make it to my birthday (september 4)"?  What happened you ask?  Hmm well, somehwere in the time she spent in AZ over that weekend and the time that Jonathon asked her (when she got home, and about once sentence before she said November 1, and my jaw hit the floor, and I began gasping for air) if she "ever even wanted to come back to Louisville, after such a great weekend in Arizona", she decided that November was a great month to "move".
 
Move my ass....you know what November is?  Well...our first anniversary for starters.  She CAN'T miss that.  Wanna know what else it is?  Thanksgiving, which means that BOTH Beth and Fred will be here ohhh, say November 15 until the end of the month.  And then you know what it is?  December, and they HAVE to be here for Christmas....and ya know?  if they are planning on being her so much during those two months, then why should Beth even quit?  I mean, she could work until the end of the year....make a little more money.  and THEN you know what it is?  January...and why not stay until September, for her birthday again...its ONLY 9 months away.
 
Good Lord, help me.  I am very bitter.  I pray that IF my husband ever reads this blog, that he understands none of this anger is towards him.  I pray he understands that I DO love his family...all of them...they are good, wonderful people.  Beth and Fred have given us a great deal.  I am angry at the "inconsiderate" situation that THEY have manipulated us into.
 
We were at the hospital today, visiting Jonathon's grandmother (looks like she might be getting to go home real soon...for those of you taking notes, it has been 4 months, and a very glim 4 months at that), and she turned to Jeff and said "Jeff, are you going to stay at my house tonight, or are you going to your mother's?".  My heart just sank.  Its the little things like that that make me crumble.  "your mother's house".  basically, jonathon and I don't have a house.  we don't have an apartment...we basically don't really have a place to call our own.
 
So, sometimes when I don't have anything at all to do, at work, and the boss is away....I go through the links on people's webpages, just to see what people frequent.  I was at Jen's webpage, and went to Nikki's blog, which I find fascinating ready.  She is always so upbeat and so excited about life.  Its great.  Anyways...she had pictures on there of the house that she and Chris just bought (VERY CUTE by the way).  Selfishly, I felt very envious and a little jealous that they are going to get to move into that house and its going to be THEIRS.  They are going to experience marriage and a new house as it should be....as any newly married couple SHOULD experience it. 
 
Ugh.  I am so stuck.  Everyone that I talk to, say that they couldnt do this...and we "have to get them outta here".  One friend even shouted "you and Jon are going to get a divorce if she doesnt leave".  she later apoligized....and we arent at odds with each other.  I do, however, whenever trying to talk to him about the situation, see his eyes gloss over and everything I am saying goes in one ear and very quickly is shoved out the other.  Its as if what I am saying, has zero meaning.  OR, he just doesnt have the energy to deal with it.  Its as if its easier for him to not listen to me and my concerns, but know what they are, and KNOW that I am irritated and frustrated with the situation, than it is to actually HELP me do something about it.  He has heard me tell him this before, so its not news to him that I think this way.
 
Have you ever been SO frustrated that it literally boils inside of you?  Like I can feel the frustration boil up through my chest, it starts to make me want to sit down and just scream, then cry, then it literally turns to an anger through the end of my fingers.
 
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I feel so trapped...I have never, ever, EVER felt so stuck and trapped in my entire life.  EVER.  And all I ever get are blank stares when I talk about it...or "well, what can we do"  or "rach, just endure to the end".  FUCK THAT!  I WANT THEM OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!!  I WANT THEM ALL TO TAKE ALL THE FUCKING FURNITURE, ALL THE FUCKING FOOD, ALL THEIR FUCKING SHIT FROM THE BASEMENT, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want them to leave with a smile on their face, and I want to hear them say "we will call ya"....but KNOW that we wont see them for a few months.
 
fuck fuck fuck.