the odd thing about this new job, is that i have never said to myself "man, i REALLY want this job". it has been THE oddest experience with looking for a new job that i have ever had. i am pretty sure that with every other job that i have ever had (even with retail jobs), i have walked out of the interviews saying to myself "i REALLY hope they hire me..." and then been excited about working at that particular place, or nervous that they wouldnt hire me.
not this time. its like, someone sent me to the link for the job, i applied (after the deadline), and did not think another thing about it all. they called two months later...and wanted me to come in. even when they called, i wasnt doing cartwheels or anything. it felt more like a "have to call them back so i am not considered rude" type thing. i went in an interviewed. I did like the girls i spoke with...and was fairly excited about the job discription. i mean, they are things that, yeah...i want to do and get paid for. but, its just odd. like the whole interview process was just more of a hassle for me, rather than something to get excied about. i was nervous, but also just not really wanting to deal with it.
and even now...uhg, you know, i just dont even want to imagine it. I dont know if my attitude is because i know i am going to actually LIKE this job (whoa, what a concept), and i KNOW i am going to be working my ass off, and i am just lazy right now. i dont WANT to work...that sounds bad, i know. Maybe i would WANT to work if i didnt HAVE to work? maybe i just need a real vacation or something. some time off (although thats not possible)...like an entire week or something. i dont know. its just so odd...and i am at such odds with where my life is and where my life is headed. its like, nothing is certain. everything in my life is so chaotic, yet so...bland. my parents moving (NOW where do i call my REAL home? louisville? i dont know if i can or want to do that. i dont feel like this is home.), changing jobs, my marriage (we are good, but...i dont know...it FEELS like we are not on the same page about ANYTHING. i have major trush issues and dont know how to deal with them or get rid of them), kids (when? and where do i want to be when we do have them? again. louisville? i dont know if i want that), friends (i dont have any here, or cant trust any of them that i may have), my house ( i STILL dont feel like its ours, i still feel like we are just taking care of it for them)...the list could go on.
Just at odds. with everything. I am just lazy...with everything. just blah...and i dont know how to get out of it, or what will make me want to get out of it.
not this time. its like, someone sent me to the link for the job, i applied (after the deadline), and did not think another thing about it all. they called two months later...and wanted me to come in. even when they called, i wasnt doing cartwheels or anything. it felt more like a "have to call them back so i am not considered rude" type thing. i went in an interviewed. I did like the girls i spoke with...and was fairly excited about the job discription. i mean, they are things that, yeah...i want to do and get paid for. but, its just odd. like the whole interview process was just more of a hassle for me, rather than something to get excied about. i was nervous, but also just not really wanting to deal with it.
and even now...uhg, you know, i just dont even want to imagine it. I dont know if my attitude is because i know i am going to actually LIKE this job (whoa, what a concept), and i KNOW i am going to be working my ass off, and i am just lazy right now. i dont WANT to work...that sounds bad, i know. Maybe i would WANT to work if i didnt HAVE to work? maybe i just need a real vacation or something. some time off (although thats not possible)...like an entire week or something. i dont know. its just so odd...and i am at such odds with where my life is and where my life is headed. its like, nothing is certain. everything in my life is so chaotic, yet so...bland. my parents moving (NOW where do i call my REAL home? louisville? i dont know if i can or want to do that. i dont feel like this is home.), changing jobs, my marriage (we are good, but...i dont know...it FEELS like we are not on the same page about ANYTHING. i have major trush issues and dont know how to deal with them or get rid of them), kids (when? and where do i want to be when we do have them? again. louisville? i dont know if i want that), friends (i dont have any here, or cant trust any of them that i may have), my house ( i STILL dont feel like its ours, i still feel like we are just taking care of it for them)...the list could go on.
Just at odds. with everything. I am just lazy...with everything. just blah...and i dont know how to get out of it, or what will make me want to get out of it.
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