Okay, so let me get to the core of me actually blogging today. i kind of tried to recap the wedding and honeymoon, hopefully jonathon and i will get a website together and put up some pictures of the honeymoon and tell a better story. we are lazy though....so it probably wont be too soon, unless he blogs and wants to put them up on his...which...yeah, you do the math ;)

so...if there was one word to describe how i am feeling today (and for the last week or so) it would be SCARED. i am scared to death of our financial situation...and more scared that it doesnt look like it is improving anytime soon. wait, let me backtrack...maybe its not that i am scared of our financial situation...its that i am scared that i cant (and dont) find a job to start improving it. here it is...december (and yes, i know this is the same blog that i wrote months ago...and it FEELS like i have been looking for a job for forever), and i can NOT find a job. i dont know why, today, or this week....after all these months....i am scared shitless of the future and finding a job. maybe its because the post-wedding hooplah has worn off, and reality is here. or maybe its because i have talked to a few people in the last couple of days, and they seem to find jobs just like that...cold. i read nikki's blog (got the link on manda's blog), and she doesnt even NEED a job, she just wants to live in cinci again...so she sent out four resumes to companies that arent even hiring, and she already has TWO interviews! that seems so unfair! (dont get me wrong, i love nikki, and hold zero jealousy or bad feelings for her, hell i dont even know her that well....more power to her) it seems unfair, in the grand scheme of things. i guess, again, i think "what is wrong with me, that i cant find ANYTHING...or that noone wants to hire me."

i dont know. i went and got two jobs. pottery barn kids and victoria's secret. gotta say, i am not a big fan of retail this time of year. (christmas spirit? riiiight, these people are downright rude!) maybe if it were a supplement job, for "fun" money...and only one job at that. but, i dont know...i am just not a retail person i dont think. i am thankful that we have the money coming in, cause we need any little bit that we can get. and i am thankful that they actually hired me....cause i would be REAL scared if even retail didnt want to hire me! its tough work though. hard work...long work. its stressful for me. too many emotions and personalities in high stress places (christmas shopping is stressful). plus...my work ethic is zero, so i fight with myself everytime i have to go in. however....looking positively....it IS good that i have these two jobs.

i am scared, however, that my jobs pretty much end as of december 26. that is only like a month of income...pretty much two paychecks. and then what? temp agencies have done nothing for me....looking in the newspaper and sending resumes has done nothing for me....sending my resume cold turkey like nikki did, and all i get back is "sorry, we will keep your resume on file."

so, i pose the question....maybe we need to move? jonathon's job isnt that great (to say the least), and i cant seem to get a job here...so maybe we need to move? where...no idea. but i have the moving itch. maybe the job market somewhere else would be better for us? maybe a change in scenery would be good? maybe new people, new friends would enrich us? i dont know....

i do know that i am scared shitless. i know that seems like drama, and i am freaking out for no real reason...BUT...no, i am scared. and i am confused...a blow to the self esteem. i dont know what would make me more marketable, nor do i know what ELSE to get into careerwise that i would enjoy doing, and that i CAN do. you need training in almost everyting, and i have training in absolutely nothing.

anyway.....yeah.