Random.
Last February, my Mom put together a surprise 80th birthday party for my Grandpa. The catch was that everyone had to get to Albuquerque, New Mexico for the event. Needless to say, it was a quick trip for us, since work wouldnt allow for any time off. Fly to Phoenix on a Friday night, stay with the fam...fly with the ENTIRE family (we are talking my parents, brothers, nephews...like 15 of us!) to Albuquerque, and meet up with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles at a mexican food place...wait for Grandpa to come in, surprise him, eat dinner, and fly home the next day. Lots of travel, but definately worth it.
Anyway, I remember my Dad being somewhat out of it...it was rare that he got real angry or showed it, he would normally just get quiet and real pre-occupied. This is how he was this trip, and he spent time on his laptop, preventing any real conversation with him. Anyways, after dinner, we were walking out, and my Dad started walking with me. I slipped my arm in his, as I liked to do, and we headed for the car. Out of the blue, he turned to me and said "Joey (my nickname...one of them), you are the classiest of the bunch. You have grown up to be so beautiful and classy."
I was shocked, or just speachless because that is a pretty great compliment coming from him, let alone from anyone. The best part about it was that I took it in, I really did (which is rare for me to do when someone offers a compliment).
I think about that now, and can see it so vividly in my head. WOW is the only thing that comes to mind. What an amazing moment, in light of things now. Again, I would give anything to go back to that moment and hear him say it again. I miss him. I honestly don't think that I will ever get "used" to him not being around. Again, I still just can not believe it.
At some point, isnt there supposed to be some sort of closure? Some experience that "allows" one to finally "go on" after a loved one's death? I know some say thats what the funeral is for...but I was still in utter shock and disbelief that I think I was just in a completely dazed state of being.
I was reading Manda's blog last week, and thinking about the circumstances surrounding her brother's death, and how 2 and half months later things have come together to paint a different, yet still baffling, picture of his death. She mentions in there that her brother's death will always be a mystery (in regards to whether or not he was given his meds that day etc...). Not to liken my father's death to Amanda's brother's (because both are very different tragedies, one...Daniel's...more challenging to get through than the other in my opinion), but in many ways I feel the same way...that my Dad's death will always be somewhat of a mystery. We will never know if he was having additional heart pain after the first "minor" heartattack. We will never know if he KNEW he was dying that morning, or what his thoughts were IF he did know.
After we had all gotten to my parent's house...the day after his death, we all sat on his bed and went through his briefcase. Each and every one of us were sitting there with all the hope in our hearts that he had left a letter, or a note saying something to us to ease our pain and to comfort us. We never found anything. From there, we went and searched for my Dad's journal. He was faithful in writing in his journal. Every day since 1978 or something. He has volumes and volumes of life history. He wrote everything down...even to what he ate. Yet, we cant find the last 10 days of his life...in which he went through some amazing experiences. He WOULD HAVE written in his journal about these. But...yet...we cant find a word. Anywhere. Its baffling...and just adds to the lack of knowledge of what was "really" going on.
Another "death" post...
Fitting..."Pig" just came on my iTunes.
Last February, my Mom put together a surprise 80th birthday party for my Grandpa. The catch was that everyone had to get to Albuquerque, New Mexico for the event. Needless to say, it was a quick trip for us, since work wouldnt allow for any time off. Fly to Phoenix on a Friday night, stay with the fam...fly with the ENTIRE family (we are talking my parents, brothers, nephews...like 15 of us!) to Albuquerque, and meet up with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles at a mexican food place...wait for Grandpa to come in, surprise him, eat dinner, and fly home the next day. Lots of travel, but definately worth it.
Anyway, I remember my Dad being somewhat out of it...it was rare that he got real angry or showed it, he would normally just get quiet and real pre-occupied. This is how he was this trip, and he spent time on his laptop, preventing any real conversation with him. Anyways, after dinner, we were walking out, and my Dad started walking with me. I slipped my arm in his, as I liked to do, and we headed for the car. Out of the blue, he turned to me and said "Joey (my nickname...one of them), you are the classiest of the bunch. You have grown up to be so beautiful and classy."
I was shocked, or just speachless because that is a pretty great compliment coming from him, let alone from anyone. The best part about it was that I took it in, I really did (which is rare for me to do when someone offers a compliment).
I think about that now, and can see it so vividly in my head. WOW is the only thing that comes to mind. What an amazing moment, in light of things now. Again, I would give anything to go back to that moment and hear him say it again. I miss him. I honestly don't think that I will ever get "used" to him not being around. Again, I still just can not believe it.
At some point, isnt there supposed to be some sort of closure? Some experience that "allows" one to finally "go on" after a loved one's death? I know some say thats what the funeral is for...but I was still in utter shock and disbelief that I think I was just in a completely dazed state of being.
I was reading Manda's blog last week, and thinking about the circumstances surrounding her brother's death, and how 2 and half months later things have come together to paint a different, yet still baffling, picture of his death. She mentions in there that her brother's death will always be a mystery (in regards to whether or not he was given his meds that day etc...). Not to liken my father's death to Amanda's brother's (because both are very different tragedies, one...Daniel's...more challenging to get through than the other in my opinion), but in many ways I feel the same way...that my Dad's death will always be somewhat of a mystery. We will never know if he was having additional heart pain after the first "minor" heartattack. We will never know if he KNEW he was dying that morning, or what his thoughts were IF he did know.
After we had all gotten to my parent's house...the day after his death, we all sat on his bed and went through his briefcase. Each and every one of us were sitting there with all the hope in our hearts that he had left a letter, or a note saying something to us to ease our pain and to comfort us. We never found anything. From there, we went and searched for my Dad's journal. He was faithful in writing in his journal. Every day since 1978 or something. He has volumes and volumes of life history. He wrote everything down...even to what he ate. Yet, we cant find the last 10 days of his life...in which he went through some amazing experiences. He WOULD HAVE written in his journal about these. But...yet...we cant find a word. Anywhere. Its baffling...and just adds to the lack of knowledge of what was "really" going on.
Another "death" post...
Fitting..."Pig" just came on my iTunes.
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