So...I received news yesterday that my boss (my direct report) has resigned and her last day will by July 21. She is my age...and we have become fairly good friends, or at least as friendly as two people can in the working relationship that we have. She is a really cool girl...and it will be sad to see her go, BUT good for her, as she will benefit greatly from this change. I am happy for her.

Selfishly, when she told me, and after my hapiness for her subsided, I begin to wonder what this could (or couldnt) mean for me...professionally...personally...etc. I do enjoy where I work. It IS the best place to work in Louisville. Plus they have good benefits, a fairly okay salary...and I am not bored at all. I have learned a LOT here and know I could learn so much more, plus I know I could advance quite a bit...or at least the opportunity is there.

So where is the dilemma you ask? Well...see...I have this child growing inside me, making me as huge as a house and all I can think about is caring for the little guy. I look at my schedule now, and honestly am so exhausted at the thought of taking on even more responsibility WITHOUT a child, that I am not sure I can (nor want to) be a Mom and do this too. I am struggling pretty bad with the thought of putting a 6 week old in Day Care...especially when the Day Care ads say stuff like "We will document all of your childs 'firsts'". I honestly don't want to READ documentation about my child's first anything. I want to see it first hand.

Of course, I wouldnt be me if I didnt struggle with the otherside of the equation. The thought of staying home and "just being a mom" freaks me out a little. I fear losing myself and not having any real sense of worth. I fear regretting not sticking my career out and not know the potential outcome of it. Plus, what happens when my kid(s) are in Kindergarten and I want to go back to work? I do not have a job that would allow me to start off where I left off...I am not a nurse or a teacher that can find the same position at anytime and in any place. If I take any significant amount of time off, I will have to begin at the bottom again...and work myself up....AGAIN.

Along with ALL of this is my co-dependence to my co-workers. I do not like letting people down and leaving them hanging, and fear their judgement and dislike towards me if I do decide not to come back...or even to come back for a month (Fall Meet), and then leave. They are good people and good friends.

To top it all of, there is only one person in this world that I really yearn to talk to about all of this. Only one person that would sit and listen and talk to me logically about it all...he would make me see my neurosis and help me see the situation clearly. My Dad...I just really am missing him, its times like these that I STILL can't believe he is gone.

yeah, yeah, yeah...it has been a while. call it too busy with work to do anything other than work...

regarless. so, July 4. which means I am 32 weeks...8 weeks away from my due date. 2 months, but just starting my 8th month (since a pregnancy is actually 10 months, or 9 FULL months). 8 months, yikes. What have I accomplished in getting ready for this child? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I did purchase two packs of diapers the other day, so at least IF I do go early...the child wont be pooping on the couch (well, unless he chooses to while his diaper is off). I have purchased a couple little packs of onesies...they are SO cute! Other than that, nadda...still just waiting to be able to have a moment to breathe and think about being pregnant. I have registered, which is good, at least other people will know what to get me ;) I do have showers being planned...3 of them (is that greedy?). One work, one family, and one friends. again...I am feeling a little on the greedy side by having all three, BUT they all offered, and how do you say no? Anyways, so hopefully this little tyke will hold off until at least the beginning of August, so that we can get some things in order. Although, I do have a feeling that I am going to be late, which doesnt excite me at all. I dont seem to be a real patient person when it comes to big life changes like this. I am just anxious to see the little guy and to actually KNOW what it feels like to be a Mom, and to start having those experiences. Although, that might be a sign that I am just not quite mentally prepared with the AMOUNT of change our lives are going to take.

So, pregnancy...let me try to explain it. Ummm...right now, I find it very frustrating and have been getting somewhat depressed. The changes your body takes are completely out of your hands...and for someone who LIKES to TRY and control everything, its still a tough adjustment. At this stage, everything is just going down hill. Cellulite...YUCK! Boobs...ummm...GROSS! Big ol' belly....KINDA cute and just bizaar! I mean, I was sitting in the car yesterday and I looked down, and my legs look like they are midget leges because my stomach covers half of them up! I cant see the top half of my legs! Its just odd.

Then the whole baby moving thing. I think he is having a one man party in there...SERIOUSLY! This kid KNOWS how to party apparently! He rarely calms down, and is most active at night, when I am trying to relax and go to sleep. Last night I was having dreams that he was kicking me so hard I couldnt breathe. BUT I dont know if he was really kicking me so hard and it was included in my dream, or if I really was just dreaming it. Regardless, he likes to ball up on one side of my tummy, and lately his place of choice happens to be underneath my ribs. It is THE most uncomfortable feeling. It doesnt hurt, it is just odd. I get the feeling he isnt too fond of the womb, which of course worries me and makes me think I have already been a bad mother (yes, I AM THAT neurotic!).

Okay, so I got on the bandwagon and took a picture of myself and the Little Tyke. Its headless, and not a real clear one...but, you get the point. :)

As for what I "feel" like I am having...well, I have to say, I feel like I am having a boy. Not sure why. I havent had any dreams one way or the other. Most my dreams have to do with me not being a very good mom...like dropping the baby, or locking it in the car, or forgetting to feed "it". Gender does not play a part in my dreams when I have baby dreams. I wonder if that will change as I get further along in pregnancy.

Anyway, a boy. Yeah, I just honestly, cant really see myself having a girl. I really FEEL like its a boy. Jonathon says he thinks its a girl, so, I dont know. We opted not to find out, but I am growing very weak ;) Maybe it WOULD be easier to know. Although, I have often thought about finding out the gender and just not telling anyone, so making it a suprise for everyone else. So...do I really know what I am having? Hmmm...guess you will never know ;)

OH, and last night, I think I felt the baby do his/her first somersault! I think. Or he/she attempted. I dont think we have a real coordinatoed kid on our hands...I think he/she got stuck. Hehe, anyways...I "think" i felt it. I sometimes feel him/her move all to one side of my tummy. Like, you can actually FEEL his/her head with your hand! Last night I was feeling him/her with my hand on my tummy, and I swear I felt a foot! Like I could feel the outline of a foot...it was a litle freaky. Hopefully it was his/her foot and not like his/her eye socket and I just blinded the poor child!

Anyway, I know I sound so negative and sarcastic about this pregnancy...but I am really SUPER excited, and getting more so the further I go and the more I feel him/her move. I do wish I had more time to focus on it, and ENJOY it...with work right now, its just hard. BUT, I cant wait to actually BE a mother. That sounds so cheesey, I know. I hope that I am a good one, and I KNOW Jonathon will be a good Dad. I am so excited to see him with his child...can you imagine? THAT is going to bring me to tears at the mere thought of it :)

You know its bad when people start emailing you to update your blog ;) okay, not "people", only Jen has said anything...but when she starts itching for an update, you know i havent updated in a long time (since we email/chat a couple times a week).

So...update. ummm, still pregnant. I just read Jen's Bebe Blog from over the weekend, and sheesh, I cant believe that she is already 26 weeks!!!! Where the heck did the time go? And more importantly, why isnt the time going as fast with me?!?! I feel like I have been in this "inbetween" stage for like 6 months already! I am JUST hitting 20 weeks (which, okay...I have one calendar telling me that I am 19 weeks, and then I have another calender telling me I am almost 21 weeks. I tend to want to believe the calendar that says I am almost 21 weeks, but then...it just makes me realize that I really am not that far along). So...just starting the downward slope. I am AT the peak this week...woohoo! I still dont necessarity LOOK pregnant. Those that know, can see the pooch, but those just in passing dont have a clue other than maybe I have gained some weight.

However, I am finding out very quickly that pregnancy looks differently with everyone. Most of my friends are pregnat around here, and most of them that live far away are pregnant as well. Some of them are due (okay MOST of them) in August...so we are all like one week a part, or due on the same day. It is so strange, because some of the girls are showing a lot, and some of the girls that are farther along than i am are not even showing as much as I am. Its a little disconcerting if you are like me and tend to compare yourself with everyone else.

Also, the differences in prepardness. I would have to say that I am one of the LEAST prepared prenant chick among everyone. Like, for instance, most of my friends have checked out the hospital that they are going to give birth. Umm, havent even THOUGHT about it, other than I know where it is. Most of the girls have checked out birthing classes, pre-natal classes, father to be classes, etc. Umm...yeah, not I. Most of the girls have started looking at colors and registries, and researching child birth (natural vs drugged), breast-feeding (yes or no), blankets, diapers, strollers, cribs, breast pumps, soaps, lotions, onesies, booties, take home outfits, what they are going to pack for the hospital, and the list goes on. Umm...me? Yeah, I am lucky if it has even registered that I AM PREGNANT! Seriously, I have read some books (not all the way through), and read some magazines, and researched some stuff, but not extensive at all. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything, and have from the beginning. I mean, I am 100% focused on being pregant, but I just cant wrap my head around it all. Work, family, pregnant. I just cant seem to focus on any of it. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you can't see (because the sun is in your eyes, or you are so tired you cant keep your eyes open)? Thats how I feel all the time. I am just in this fog. I go to work, and its all in fog. I understand what is going to and am getting the work done, but for the life of me I cant remember WHAT needs to be done, and I cant quite seem to get organized to do it all.

Maybe thats the problem...I dont have time to get organized. I just feel like, since December, I havent had ANY time to get organized. I know I have been saying that since December, but I havent had a true break since before that! I have honestly worked most weekends since my Dad's funeral...and the weekends that I havent had to work (which has been honestly, like 4 total), I have just vegged because I am so lazy and tired of having to be somewhere. Yes, I veg after work most days...so I guess I could get stuff organized then. Work is so tiring though, the last thing i want to do afterwork is research strollers. I dont know...

Yeah, and Derby is a month away, and my life will officiall be all work, all the time until July 16.

With our luck, we wont even beging baby discussions until after July 16, and then I will have the child weeks early, and we wont be prepared at ALL! No name, not crib (cradle), no clothes, no diapers...nothing...and then I will spend the next 20 years trying to get organized from when the child was born!

Anyway. update...you asked for an update. well, we had our ultrasound a couple weeks ago, I was told by the ultrasound lady that it was really early to be having one. Hey, I was just told that this is the appointment I needed to have it. I would have liked to have waited a couple more weeks, so that the little tyke was bigger, but whatever. We got the baby's picture taken :) SO cute! Apprently he/she isnt real active...which would explain why I dont really feel him/her move too much. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one. Also, he/she is really shy...according to the ultrasound chick. Again, I think he/she would have been more apt to 'perform' if he/she were a couple weeks older. But, again, what the heck do I know?

Everyone was/is healthy though. Two weeks ago, he/she was only 7 oz. I have another appt on the 25th. Which, they will just make me pea in a cup and write down however much I have gained and send me on my way. Woohoo! Oh, and listen to the heartbeat, which is always way too short.

Oh yes...and let us talk about the boobs, shall we?

The Boobs. yes, The Boobs are HUGE! Okay, they arent Pam Anderson huge, yet, but they seem to be growing at an alarming rate. Its insane! (and its not like I have had small ones to begin with!)

Is it just me, or is Jack Johnson sounding FANTASTIC these days? I cant quite seem to get enough of listening to any of his cds.

I am in love with Jack Johnson :) Its Fantabulous!

HOLY FRIGGIN' BABY BUMB, Y'ALL (did i sound like Britney Spears or what?)!

I wake up this morning, and I have this massive baby bump!. Out of friggin' no where! Seriously...my stomach has been expanding gradually, but I could still fit into all of my clothes and shirts without any problem or pain. But this morning? Yeah...Mama Ice needs some new clothes to wear VERY soon!

I am half excited about this, because as my tummy grows, the reality of a child grows too. Half not excited because for most of my life getting "bigger" has been a huge issue and concern for me, as for many women. Its really hard to accept that you just dont have any control over it...and trying to get into the mentality that "its good to get bigger right now' is a little difficult.

So yeah. the baby bump has appeared! :)

I would like to take a poll.

For those of you that have an office, or a desk with a computer, to sit at while at work...what do you do when you first arrive at work?

Do you...walk right in, sit at your desk, log into your computer and immediately begin by working the day away (making calls, returning emails, designing, planning meetings, etc...)?

OR

Do you...come in, log into your computer, check email (ALL email accts, not just work), check out msn.com or cnn.com to see whats happening in the world, check out people.com to check out the Star Tracks and catch up on celibrity gossip, go get some coffee (tea, hot cider, water...whatever you drink in the morning), check messages, write bills, ect...anything else to procrastinate the work day to begin?

I happen to be personality numero 2. I get to work, and take a good half hour to an hour to "gear up" and "prepare" to work. My boss, on the other hand, is personality numero 1. She speed walks (SRPINTS!!!!) in the door, sits down at her desk, and literally within 2 minutes she is emailing, calling, planning..all work related. Its odd. to me. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say RELAX! EASE INTO IT!!!!

Maybe I am a slacker, which I fully admit.

Random.
Last February, my Mom put together a surprise 80th birthday party for my Grandpa. The catch was that everyone had to get to Albuquerque, New Mexico for the event. Needless to say, it was a quick trip for us, since work wouldnt allow for any time off. Fly to Phoenix on a Friday night, stay with the fam...fly with the ENTIRE family (we are talking my parents, brothers, nephews...like 15 of us!) to Albuquerque, and meet up with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles at a mexican food place...wait for Grandpa to come in, surprise him, eat dinner, and fly home the next day. Lots of travel, but definately worth it.

Anyway, I remember my Dad being somewhat out of it...it was rare that he got real angry or showed it, he would normally just get quiet and real pre-occupied. This is how he was this trip, and he spent time on his laptop, preventing any real conversation with him. Anyways, after dinner, we were walking out, and my Dad started walking with me. I slipped my arm in his, as I liked to do, and we headed for the car. Out of the blue, he turned to me and said "Joey (my nickname...one of them), you are the classiest of the bunch. You have grown up to be so beautiful and classy."

I was shocked, or just speachless because that is a pretty great compliment coming from him, let alone from anyone. The best part about it was that I took it in, I really did (which is rare for me to do when someone offers a compliment).

I think about that now, and can see it so vividly in my head. WOW is the only thing that comes to mind. What an amazing moment, in light of things now. Again, I would give anything to go back to that moment and hear him say it again. I miss him. I honestly don't think that I will ever get "used" to him not being around. Again, I still just can not believe it.

At some point, isnt there supposed to be some sort of closure? Some experience that "allows" one to finally "go on" after a loved one's death? I know some say thats what the funeral is for...but I was still in utter shock and disbelief that I think I was just in a completely dazed state of being.

I was reading Manda's blog last week, and thinking about the circumstances surrounding her brother's death, and how 2 and half months later things have come together to paint a different, yet still baffling, picture of his death. She mentions in there that her brother's death will always be a mystery (in regards to whether or not he was given his meds that day etc...). Not to liken my father's death to Amanda's brother's (because both are very different tragedies, one...Daniel's...more challenging to get through than the other in my opinion), but in many ways I feel the same way...that my Dad's death will always be somewhat of a mystery. We will never know if he was having additional heart pain after the first "minor" heartattack. We will never know if he KNEW he was dying that morning, or what his thoughts were IF he did know.

After we had all gotten to my parent's house...the day after his death, we all sat on his bed and went through his briefcase. Each and every one of us were sitting there with all the hope in our hearts that he had left a letter, or a note saying something to us to ease our pain and to comfort us. We never found anything. From there, we went and searched for my Dad's journal. He was faithful in writing in his journal. Every day since 1978 or something. He has volumes and volumes of life history. He wrote everything down...even to what he ate. Yet, we cant find the last 10 days of his life...in which he went through some amazing experiences. He WOULD HAVE written in his journal about these. But...yet...we cant find a word. Anywhere. Its baffling...and just adds to the lack of knowledge of what was "really" going on.

Another "death" post...

Fitting..."Pig" just came on my iTunes.

On the complete opposite side of the feelings spectrum...I went to the Doctor today.

**Disclaimer: Please be aware that I will most likely come across as bi-polar, as some posts will be extremely depressing and death related, while others will be about the creation and growth of new life...which is a joyous experience. ****

Anyway, yeah, went to the Doctor today. Good to know that I dont have to put my naked legs in stirrups at every visit during this 9 month marathon. In fact, I didnt even have to undress today...well except the top of my pants so she could listen to the heartbeat. I was just so excited that I didnt have to lie down and get probed with that stupid "spreader" thingy!

AND...they weighed me...and I lost 2 lbs. I know its probably not real smart or "motherly" to be excited about losing 2 lbs while preggers, but sheesh if I knew that all I had to do was eat whatever I wanted and not be so obsessed about working out to lose weight, I would have done this a long time ago! (kidding of course) They say its normal, and I suspect that the poundage will begin pack on soon. Regardless, I am healthy...the babe is healthy...so its all good.

AND I got to hear the heartbeat...did I mention that? I did, but it deserves to be mentioned twice! That is so cool! Its so cliche, I know, to say that hearing your baby's heartbeat never gets old and is the most amazing thing. But it really REALLY is! Its AMAZING that there is a little person, with a friggin heartbeat, INSIDE OF ME! I can hardly get my head around that!

AND, even more exciting is that my next appointment, at the end of March, is the ultrasound thingy. They asked me if we were going to find out the sex so they could make sure it was on the chart for the next appointment. Decision time! I said no. I want to be suprised...if I can stand it. Jonathon thinks he is going to be able to tell what it is, and just not tell me...but whatever. I think that is rude, and he should not know either.

So yeah. There you have it. I am sure most of you will tire of reading about pregnancy issues... between Bebe Nino and Ice Ice Baby...I think all you women out there even THINKING of ever having kids, will surely know what to expect.

(of course, it is NOT like you would EVER imagine it! even if it is explained to you in minute details...it still wont be something you could ever imagine.)